Studies on…SELF-LOVE

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Day 25.

Today is a rainy Friday, which sends us all under a blanket, with a book and a cup of tea. It finds me with a pen and a paper, hidden under my bear-blanket, writing you about self-love. I wish for so long to have the courage to talk to you about the most important and…sensitive topic.

Loving you first of all allows you to love the others. Loving you before anything else is like you would marry yourself, promising that you will be there, no matter what. And that makes you become the beautiful expression of your being into the world, sharing kindness, safety. Sharing happiness to those you love. But how many of us love ourselves truly? How many of us choose to remain faithful to our own being, no matter what happens in our lives? How many of us search for falling in love with the soul that resides within our bodies?

For me, love for myself was a stranger. Which was leading to fears and unimaginable lack of confidence in whatever I was or could be. With all the efforts of my family to make me trust myself, I continued to sabotage myself for a long time, to walk against me, against my happiness. Just so I do not disturb, just to see happiness and appreciation from any pair of eyes that was watching me. And I gracefully managed to build up a past within the standards of “being successful”, but with nights of fears and reprimed desires in quiet tears. I was wrong, I was wrong towards myself because my happiness was there, in the love I should have had for myself and then I would have resonated with the souls whose happiness did not imply my give-ups. But I did placed myself the last…actually, I did not place myself anywhere. I hid my needs in a cupboard, I locked it and threw the key. I ignored whatever I really desired because I wanted approval. That is called simply self-hate. And it was hard to break down the lock and bring to light the needs and take care of them. Liberating tears flew out when I realised I deserve to love myself, the way I am, imperfect, but perfect for myself.

I learnt this is not being selfish, giving attention to myself, listening to myself. It means appreciating and respecting the only thing you have control over. YOU. Perhaps I will tell you sometime how I discovered the absence of self-love and how I started to slowly build that love up, often doing one step ahead and two behind. But getting the power of saying “Well, this is really me. And I am good. I feel loved, loved by myself.” And now I breath in gratitude for all the “ugly” people I had in my life because they showed me how I failed the most essential life test. Self-love.

“Close you eyes and fall in love. Stay there. “ (Rumi) You are your own great creation. Love yourself so you can purely love others. Fall in love with you, with life and remain humble.

Do you unconditionally love yourself, my dear reader?

See you tomorrow,
Paula

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